Have you ever had one of those all night eye opening talks with somebody, that was about nothing and everything, that makes you realize that who've you been for your entire life, is exactly who you weren't ever really meant to be?
I feel like I've been hiding inside this mask my entire life, and I've grown into it, it fits so well, the problem is that it's suffocating me. It's not my face, these aren't my hands, and this isn't my skin. It's a terrible industrial strength mask, made out of the type of material only bombshelters should be created from.
Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was just teen angst, and maybe, just maybe, that was me for a little while. But I feel like I've kept up this constant game of charades for a decade now, and I want to drop the act.
I want to be successful, and I want to be happy, I don't want to live in this constant state of depression (aka Idaho?) anymore, but it feels like the more layers I peel off, the less people seem to like me.
I feel like if Martin knew what I was really like, he wouldn't even be interested in me. But is he really worth it, if in the five years I've known him, I haven't been able to open up to him? He thinks he knows me so well, but the little facts he does know, are superficial, and everytime I try to sit down and have any type of important conversation with him, he's too tired, or he's wrapped up in videogames, or he's in a bad mood. I don't know where he ends, and where I begin, because I try so hard to please him, that I wonder if I'm pleasing myself anymore. And honestly, I don't think I am. He's still stuck in that juvenille high school "mopey goth, the world sucks, everyone should die" phase, and I just think I've moved beyond that. For all it's worth, I'm a fairly happy person, and I don't see anything wrong with being happy, or wanting to be happy, and I really feel like he's holding me back from acheiving anything. I want somebody who's supportive, who's bent on success, who's academic and motivated, because that's where I'm at. I want somebody who at the same stage in life as I am, and I don't know if he'll ever be.
And these are all terrible things to say, because he honestly is a wonderful person, and a kind and loving person, and I've known him forever. And the fact that I'm moving in a few months, doesn't make it any easier. I guess I'll just see how it goes when I'm gone.
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