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Aug. 31st, 2004 07:15 amTook Ronin for two walks this morning already. Have just needed to get out, and do some thinking, and he loves walks, so why not take him with me ya know? The season is really changing out there, it's 07:17, and it isn't even fully light out yet. It was pitch black around 06:20, when we were out.
Time has just been flying this year, it feels like just yesterday when Ki was tossing all her things into a U-Haul and leaving California, and now it's been two years. I know I've changed though. I've been living by myself for two years now, and haven't had an inkling of a desire to throw one party, to stay out all night, to do any of the things all people say they're going to do once they have their own place. You know, honestly, Ki rarely likes to have company, save but for a few select people. And you know, most of these changes are for the better, self is much more independant, much more self sufficient, and much much more responsible than she used to be. All the correct choices Ki makes (paying the bills on time, going to school, getting up and going to work, etc etc) are personal choices, that she makes, because she knows those are all things she has to do. A few years ago though, wouldn't have thought twice about calling in sick and fucking off all day, or skipping school to go hang out, or any myriad of other irresponsible things. Of course those are some of the liberties that come with being a kid. It's just odd, odd how one matures or changes without even noticing it's happening.
Talked a lot with Cheryl while she was here, about how well some of my old friends are doing these days. And you know, Ki was amazed at how well some of them are doing, and worried about how not well some of them are doing. Some of them, that Ki swore she'd be in touch with forever have just vanished. Some of them that Ki didn't think she's be friends with for more than a year or so, are the ones she still calls to check in with now and then. It's all just so odd. And it makes it impossible to know where it is self belongs these days.
Early morning walks are the best. The air is still fresh, and crisp, and cool. Most of the people are still asleep, and it's amazing, to be the only person around. It's easy to just get lost in thought. And I was remembering, what it felt like, just two years ago, you know, I just felt so adult back then. I thought I was so incredibly mature, because I was a supervisor at my job, I was engaged to the guy I was seeing, I'd traveled all over the country and I was almost 21 years old. But Ki still had that attitude. That attitude that all kids have, where they feel kind of invincible, where they feel like everything will always work out in the end, and they'll be okay. And I'm amazed when I look back on that. It's impossible to even imagine feeling that careless, and you know, I envy myself for ever behaving that way, but at the same time I'm proud of myself for getting past there, and realising the rest of the world does exsist, and my actions do affect myself and others. I haven't totally lost myself, I still get easily excited/amused, I still love fairy tales and small brightly coloured objects, and Ki still uses a pile of stuffed animals as pillows. But there are things Ki notices, just subtle changes, and it's a bit disturbing, yet at the same time liberating and comforting, just to know there really isn't anyone to fall back on, but it's alright, because Ki can take care of herself.
Time has just been flying this year, it feels like just yesterday when Ki was tossing all her things into a U-Haul and leaving California, and now it's been two years. I know I've changed though. I've been living by myself for two years now, and haven't had an inkling of a desire to throw one party, to stay out all night, to do any of the things all people say they're going to do once they have their own place. You know, honestly, Ki rarely likes to have company, save but for a few select people. And you know, most of these changes are for the better, self is much more independant, much more self sufficient, and much much more responsible than she used to be. All the correct choices Ki makes (paying the bills on time, going to school, getting up and going to work, etc etc) are personal choices, that she makes, because she knows those are all things she has to do. A few years ago though, wouldn't have thought twice about calling in sick and fucking off all day, or skipping school to go hang out, or any myriad of other irresponsible things. Of course those are some of the liberties that come with being a kid. It's just odd, odd how one matures or changes without even noticing it's happening.
Talked a lot with Cheryl while she was here, about how well some of my old friends are doing these days. And you know, Ki was amazed at how well some of them are doing, and worried about how not well some of them are doing. Some of them, that Ki swore she'd be in touch with forever have just vanished. Some of them that Ki didn't think she's be friends with for more than a year or so, are the ones she still calls to check in with now and then. It's all just so odd. And it makes it impossible to know where it is self belongs these days.
Early morning walks are the best. The air is still fresh, and crisp, and cool. Most of the people are still asleep, and it's amazing, to be the only person around. It's easy to just get lost in thought. And I was remembering, what it felt like, just two years ago, you know, I just felt so adult back then. I thought I was so incredibly mature, because I was a supervisor at my job, I was engaged to the guy I was seeing, I'd traveled all over the country and I was almost 21 years old. But Ki still had that attitude. That attitude that all kids have, where they feel kind of invincible, where they feel like everything will always work out in the end, and they'll be okay. And I'm amazed when I look back on that. It's impossible to even imagine feeling that careless, and you know, I envy myself for ever behaving that way, but at the same time I'm proud of myself for getting past there, and realising the rest of the world does exsist, and my actions do affect myself and others. I haven't totally lost myself, I still get easily excited/amused, I still love fairy tales and small brightly coloured objects, and Ki still uses a pile of stuffed animals as pillows. But there are things Ki notices, just subtle changes, and it's a bit disturbing, yet at the same time liberating and comforting, just to know there really isn't anyone to fall back on, but it's alright, because Ki can take care of herself.
