(no subject)
Oct. 9th, 2003 02:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
velvetechosI'm updating way too much. There's so much on my mind. At least I'm lj-cutting everything though..
It's so strange, the way things work. I moved to Idaho to be with Martin, and I end up wanting to spend time around everybody but him. Why was I happier living on the corner in California, than I am being "successful" out here in Idaho? I guess it was just the people in California, I could relate to them, they could relate to me, I'd known them forever. But I'm different now anyway.. I can't relate to a bunch of strung out, homeless, drug addicts. I have a few friends out there, who've matured, as I have, and I can relate to them in the same fashion as I always have, and I miss them dearly. I wish nobody ever grew up...
Out here it's so weird. I feel so out of place. And I'm so awkward with myself, that I don't even know how to relate to anyone, because, really, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing with myself, and all I do is float from day to day, wondering how I'm going to keep myself occupied, and wondering where my future is going. It seems so easy to just give up, sell everything I own, pack myself into my car, drive back to CA, park behind a Safeway somewhere, and just exsist... But I'd never do that, I value myself too much. So I tread water here, but I'm fucking petrified. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I just keep thinking, this is it, there is no going back to who I used to be, there is no going back, I don't even have anything to go back to.
I guess that's where Martin came in. He was a level of comfort, because he'd always been there. It was kind of like, even though I felt trapped, and stuck, he knew me, so he kept me grounded, as to who I am.
But, I think he really just kept me in contact with the me that doesn't exsist anymore.
I don't know what I'm babbling about. I don't know if I'm upset because I've been sleeping 2 hours a night, or if I'm upset because of the conversation I had tonight, or what. I wish it wasn't 3am so I could go outside and be with Ronin, but I don't want him to wake up the entire neighborhood. I wish it wasn't 3am so I could call Zevah or somebody to talk to. I wish I knew how to talk to people. I'm no good at expressing myself.
It's so strange, the way things work. I moved to Idaho to be with Martin, and I end up wanting to spend time around everybody but him. Why was I happier living on the corner in California, than I am being "successful" out here in Idaho? I guess it was just the people in California, I could relate to them, they could relate to me, I'd known them forever. But I'm different now anyway.. I can't relate to a bunch of strung out, homeless, drug addicts. I have a few friends out there, who've matured, as I have, and I can relate to them in the same fashion as I always have, and I miss them dearly. I wish nobody ever grew up...
Out here it's so weird. I feel so out of place. And I'm so awkward with myself, that I don't even know how to relate to anyone, because, really, I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing with myself, and all I do is float from day to day, wondering how I'm going to keep myself occupied, and wondering where my future is going. It seems so easy to just give up, sell everything I own, pack myself into my car, drive back to CA, park behind a Safeway somewhere, and just exsist... But I'd never do that, I value myself too much. So I tread water here, but I'm fucking petrified. I have no idea what I'm doing. And I just keep thinking, this is it, there is no going back to who I used to be, there is no going back, I don't even have anything to go back to.
I guess that's where Martin came in. He was a level of comfort, because he'd always been there. It was kind of like, even though I felt trapped, and stuck, he knew me, so he kept me grounded, as to who I am.
But, I think he really just kept me in contact with the me that doesn't exsist anymore.
I don't know what I'm babbling about. I don't know if I'm upset because I've been sleeping 2 hours a night, or if I'm upset because of the conversation I had tonight, or what. I wish it wasn't 3am so I could go outside and be with Ronin, but I don't want him to wake up the entire neighborhood. I wish it wasn't 3am so I could call Zevah or somebody to talk to. I wish I knew how to talk to people. I'm no good at expressing myself.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-10-09 12:03 pm (UTC)#2: Idaho people are weird...so there is no way to fit in with us, sorry...j/k
#3: don't give up, fight the good fight :-D
no subject
Date: 2003-10-09 01:59 pm (UTC)I am 25 and I am still confused and trying to find myself. It is very difficult (especially, since I don't have too many friends that I can hang out with), but I still chug along. I am confident that someday I will feel better about things and I have been trying to change my attitude. One can only hope that we will eventually know ourselves and what we want out of life. :)