(no subject)

Well tonight was a paticularly not so wonderful night.
Although, I did get to talk to Lenore for awhile on the phone, so that made the whole thing worth it.
I went out for one of those little drives you go on, you know, the ones where you've spent the whole day moping around with some kind of invisable dark dark grey cloud over your head, where you just can't seem to drag yourself to your feet and you mope and mope, and finally decide to get up and go grocery shopping, only you can't decide what store to go to, because you're so mopey (and you can't really put your finger on why you're so damn mopey), so you drive around, you consume a mcdonalds (ew) cheeseburger, and you decide you just want to get wasted. You start thinking of different places to buy liquor, you drive aimlessly around town. You spy a set of bleachers and you remember how you ran away from home when you were 14 and spent a week drunk under the bleachers of your old high school for two weeks. You drive some more and dammit you're 21 now, not 14 and you can legally get drunk in a bar. There's no bar. You're in goddamned freaking Caldwell middle of nowhere Idaho, and the only bar you see is a creepy crawly dirty Vern's Tavern and there is no way you're going there alone, and you're too depressed to drive 20 minutes to Boise. So you go home and you never did go grocery shopping, and you listen to the non exsistent messages on your answering machine realizing nobody cares enough to call you, but wait you can call Lenore. YaY! Happiness!

(no subject)

Do you all really know the people you hold close? Do you really share with them all the things about you? Look at your partner, your best friend, your parents and siblings. Your supposedly virginal baby sister could have screwed 30 men she didn't love just for a bit of fake affection, and your best friend could be backstabbing her way into your enemies heart and ex lover's bed. Your lover could snort line after line of speed and drink 40s of cheap malt liquor in the park late into the night before ending up on their knees in an alley for their newfound best friend, only to return to your arms and kiss you with the very same lips that only minutes ago held the member of a bum from San Francisco. All these things you could resent them for, but you have no clue. They're still the same person but do you still love them? If you found out five years from now, what happened right now, are all those years in between the time it happened and the present of those five years from now false, and did you really stop loving them at the time of the actions? Why live a lie, why stay with somebody when you know that if they knew the truth about you they'd hate you. All of the above accounts are fictional, in my reality, but somewhere in this world, they are happening right now, and those poor people commiting these acts, are insecure with themselves. We are taught that the things they are doing are wrong, but the motives behind all these things are obviously cries for attention, and the things they do for attention only make them hate themselves more. I'm not sure what I'm getting at here, but I feel like I had a point. I always feel like I had a point, like there's something floating just out of reach above my head, and I'm desperate to get it out there, but I can't quite reach it. Shit, I'm tired.

(no subject)

Wow. I'm totally blown away. As you all know, I've never been a big fan of the musical talents of Marilyn Manson. I never jumped on the "I hate Manson he's so trendy" bandwagon, because I think it's wrong for hating a band for becoming mainstream. His paticular sound just never appealed to me. But let me put this out there ..... his autobiography/biography (it was half written by him), was just AMAZING. I opened it up and took a peak at it, out of general curiosity, and his life, it just had me floored. I read the book in it's entirity in two days, barely putting it down, except to go online now and then, walk my dogs, go out for a little over an hour last night, and sleep and eat. I passed up going to a movie yesterday afternoon, and put off cleaning my bedroom, because I could not put this book down. It takes his lyrics off my "terribly written, useless nonsense" list, and onto my "wow, fairly brilliant, interesting use of metaphores" list. And it puts his "shocking antics" into perspective as well. While he might not get to me musically, I must say, the man is brilliant.

(no subject)

I think I'm having issues. I've noticed that with most of the people I talk to (and it's not any of you people who'd be reading this, so don't worry your pretty little heads there)I have a superiority problem. I listen to what they're saying, and I'm belittling them in my head, but I'm too stuck up and polite to actually bite their heads off. And for that matter, I'm too bored and too lonely to stop talking to them. I've done this my entire life. It must come from not being accepted by anybody except for losers (aside from a group of four close friends, whom I've remained friends with from high school, and one friend back in CT). Because most people do not like me, or like me but do not relate to me, I hate them while I'm talking to them. Because most people who do like me, don't really like me, they just think I'm "different" and therefore "cool" and make stupid assumptions about me, and ask me stupid questions, or actually think I give a damn about their stupid problems. So I talk shit in my head about everything they're saying, all the while, bobbing my head in aggreance and saying "yup, yeah, uh huh". And then I later subject myself to the divine torture of their company again the very next day or week or month, or whenever. I develop a bitter hatred for them, and begin to perceive all these people as stupid lowly worms who wish to eat my dirt and fertilize my garden over and over again, as you rip them in half and watch them multiply. I think Idaho is driving me insane. I'm definitely not a big city person, I love everything out here, except these idiotic close minded Mormon freaks. I'm a walking paradox, I hate all these people and their stupidity, but I wish to become a counselor or a juvenille probation officer, in order to help people, because some small grain in me wants to make everybody's life better.

(no subject)

Well people. My heart has once again been mercilessly shoved through a meat grinder. Our lovely human race never does cease to amaze me with it's vast array of endlessly surprising (although at the same time not so surprising)ways to torture our meager and defenseless souls. No it's not a Martin thing, don't get all worked up. It's just a thing.

Anyways. In order to become not so upset I'm going back to the Balcony tonight. Maybe I'll get sloshed. Most likely will not. I have doggie obedience class tomorrow morning. So I guess I'll just go out dancing and pretend to be carefree. That is the constant in life right? Pretending to be carefree so as not to put on a damper on the mood of everybody else around you, because they are all working so hard at covering up their own problems.