Apr. 17th, 2004

Was driving home tonight, from Boise, and listening to my new Anti-Nowhere League CD. This song came on, and thought of you.
Miss you terribly. So many things remind me of you, and you give me a reason to like songs like this ... so, here you go.
Anti Nowhere League )
Not sure weither to feel happy, about being able to give someone a bit of comfort and rest, or sad that his life is so terrible. Have a client, he's non-verbal, and non-ambulatory, and basically non-responsive period. He sleeps almost all the time, and when he is awake, usually his eyes are unfocused, and he has hyper-extension problems, and he doesn't hold his neck straight, just kind of looks around in circles. One of his hands is almost always fully closed in a fist, and the other lays flat, and he never moves that arm.

Over the past week though, noticed that if put a koosh ball in his fist hand, he'll try to grip it (he never actively grabs anything)and, to my amazement, he started to pet it, and touch it, and transfered it to his other hand, the one he never moves. Pointed this out to my manager, and she said she'd never seen him react to anything like that, not in the years she'd been there. Was so amazed. It's not a fluke either, everytime have worked with him since then, put the koosh ball in his hand, and he'll play with it.


Well today had him for P.T., and he was asleep. Usually if he's asleep, we don't wake him up. So, just went over, and slipped my hand into his, and he gripped back. With his non-dominant hand. He woke up, and everytime would start to pull my hand away, he'd hang on. Thought this was fantastic, because it showed strength in his non-dominant hand.

This made me happy, happy to know he enjoyed human contact, and that he seemed to feel relaxed, and somewhat content, just having someone to hold on to. This also made me incredibly, incredibly sad. Imagining someone so lonely, and so unable to express themselves, and how it might feel, to be trapped inside one's self, and unable to touch, or feel, or do anything at will, and how many people underestimate, and ignore, and neglect. Could have sat there holding his hand forever, because all wanted to do was provide some comfort for someone who had lived 56 years, without a hand to hold. Life is so lonely. Couldn't imagine what his must be like.

My job makes me want to just break down and cry sometimes. It really does. The sadness Ki feel for some of these clients. The ones who can't talk, can't create art, can't move. It must be hell. It really must. And self wonders, how lonely it must feel, to not just have someone to hold your hand. Whenever am with one of the non-verbal, non-ambulatory clients on break, or reading to them, or something, self always offers her hand, and they almost always take it, and it's so sad, how they just seem so lit up, by having someone's hand to hold. And Ki is lonely as well, and it's comforting, and sometimes self starts to wonder who this is more theraputic for, myself or the client. And that's a depressing and lonely thought. Idaho is lonely. Ki is lonely. Want out of here so badly.
Anybody have info on the 6 Feet Under show tonight, at JD's and Friends?

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