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velvetechosKi's going to leave this entry public, even though it's a very personal subject matter. Mostly because it's somewhat of a good lesson to those of you kids out there, that think everything is just harmless fun.
That's it, heh, just gave in. Just took two Tylenol. Ki detests painkillers, and for a very good reason. Usually she will not put any kind of painkillers or medication into her system. This is about to lead to a very long post, and oddly enough, though the content is painful, Ki is not depressed. Thinking that am finally maybe starting to be able to let this go?
Ki used to be a very differant person than she is today. When she moved to California she was thirteen, and although everyone viewed her as some "badass" that would come and kick everyone's bum, she was actually a rather shy, little kid, that hadn't experienced much in her short life, and just happened to be a fan of "darker music" (introduced to death and black metal buy an older guy she briefly dated -and she uses the term dated losely here, at twelve years old it was more of a school yard crush, that she also talked to on the telephone, and occasionaly spent some time with after school-). She hadn't done drugs, she hadn't tried alchohol, beyond ONE sip of a Budweiser, she hadn't ever skipped school, sure, she'd shoplifted a candy bar a few times, and run around in the woods with her friends, doing the kinds of naughty things all little kids do, but never tell their parents about. She was basically a good girl though.
She was also extremely socially inept. Not to the point where people disliked her, and she didn't want people around her, she was just very shy, and didn't know how to approach people. Being only thirteen years old (a year younger than everyone in her class), a new kid in the school, and a freshman, she was absolutely terrified, and it didn't help her meet anyone. This led her to hanging around with all the "stoners", and "bad kids" at the school. It was who her sister hung around, and so Ki followed her.
Ki didn't do drugs though, and to tell you the truth, she was terrified of them. However, she did begin pill popping. Mostly Ritalin and Prozac. She thought the pills were beautiful, and they seemed to make her less shy. She also became dependant on NyQuil. These habits alienated the one friend she had made that wasn't part of the stoner crowd, and she began hanging out with the troublemakers constantly.
She became very good friends with one guy in paticular, and started cutting class all the time to be with him. It turned out that he lived right around the corner from her apartment, and she started spending hours after school with him every day. This led to dating him, and by the time summer came she had grown very attached.
One morning, around 11am, she was laying on the couch, and he was laying on top of her (not nude mind you, Ki was only 14 at this point, and they were just kissing). Well, her dad happened to come home from work early this day. Obviously, he did not like walking in to find his fourteen year old daughter with a somewhat scraggly looking, long haired, sixteen year old on top of her. Larry (that was the guy's name, oddly enough, that's also my dad's name) got up, and literally ran out the door, right past my dad, and warned Cheryl and her boyfriend not to go in there. Ki flipped out, grabbed her jacket, and took off.
Ki, Cheryl, Larry, Donnie (Cheryl's boyfriend at the time), and Robert (Larry's best friend) took off to a park, to figure out what to do next. Somehow Ki had got it into herself that she could not go home.
Eventually Larry went home for the night, and the rest of us went walking around town. We decided that we should run away to Oregon (of all places right?). Ki found a Seventh Day Adventist school, and they all went to sleep under the stairs for the night. Well, Robert went off and got Larry, to tell him what our plan was. He came back, looked at Ki, and all he had to say was "Oregon huh?". She knew that she didn't want to leave though, and that he probably wouldn't go with her.
The next morning they all walked down to the high school, and found an abandoned room, with a pile of sheetrock in it, under the bleachers, and sort of set up camp there.
They lived together under the bleachers for about three days, before Ki was found by the cops, out walking around two o'clock AM.
She remembers being so relieved when the cops told her she had to go home, that she started crying. Because as much of a tough kid as she wanted to seem, she really just wanted to go home.
Well, after being back home for about a week, Cheryl's boyfriend got an apartment. Cheryl, Ki, Robert, and Larry all started staying there all the time. After about a week of being there, Ki started drinking a little bit. Only screwdrivers, and occasionally malt liquor. She never told any of them that she hadn't already been a drinker. She still didn't touch any drugs though, except for pills.
For some reason kids seem to think prescription drugs are safer than illegal ones. They're wrong.
One summer afternoon, terrible day too, it was over 100 degrees fahrenheit, Larry and Ki were taking some codeine, some other painkiller, and stupidly chasing it with beer. Well, apparently it was too much this time. Ki still remembers this vividly. She crawled out onto the porch, right outside the apartment door, and Larry crawled after her. He laid on top of her, and kissed her. He told her he didn't feel very well, and that he loved her, and he'd be right back. Being shy, she didn't say she loves him, but she thought it to herself. Well, the next thing she knew, Robert was screaming, and Larry was on the ground, and Robert was performing CPR.
Ki came inside, and started freaking out, barely together herself, because she felt like she was going to pass out at any moment. She managed to dial an ambulance, but couldn't talk when they got onto the line. She remembers passing the telephone to someone, not sure who, and then walked outside to wait for the ambulance. When she got out to the curb she crashed.
The ambulance took her away, the ambulance took Larry away. She was taken to the hospital and forced to drink charcoal. Larry never woke back up.
Ki stayed at the hospital for two weeks, not as a patient, but waiting to see what would happen to Larry.
When you're young you feel immortal. She didn't think he would die. She didn't think he would, but he did.
After that she went crazy for years. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson, but instead of turning herself around, she started using drugs, she started drinking all the time, and she'd run away for days, weeks, on end, never coming home, never coming down from her high. She'd think about Larry everyday, and feel guilty, and wonder why, why when they took the same toxic cocktail he died, and she's still here.
Ki's been sober for about two years now. Before the two years she'd only done any drugs about twice, so it's more like she's been sober for three years. Sure she drinks once in a while, but it's never to excess.
After writing this entry, and feeling an empty pain in her heart, but not the self destructive streak Ki would have felt in the past, she can safely say she's past that point in her life. Maybe now she can begin to form some sense of peace with who she used to be, and who she is now, because really, they are two differant people.
That's it, heh, just gave in. Just took two Tylenol. Ki detests painkillers, and for a very good reason. Usually she will not put any kind of painkillers or medication into her system. This is about to lead to a very long post, and oddly enough, though the content is painful, Ki is not depressed. Thinking that am finally maybe starting to be able to let this go?
Ki used to be a very differant person than she is today. When she moved to California she was thirteen, and although everyone viewed her as some "badass" that would come and kick everyone's bum, she was actually a rather shy, little kid, that hadn't experienced much in her short life, and just happened to be a fan of "darker music" (introduced to death and black metal buy an older guy she briefly dated -and she uses the term dated losely here, at twelve years old it was more of a school yard crush, that she also talked to on the telephone, and occasionaly spent some time with after school-). She hadn't done drugs, she hadn't tried alchohol, beyond ONE sip of a Budweiser, she hadn't ever skipped school, sure, she'd shoplifted a candy bar a few times, and run around in the woods with her friends, doing the kinds of naughty things all little kids do, but never tell their parents about. She was basically a good girl though.
She was also extremely socially inept. Not to the point where people disliked her, and she didn't want people around her, she was just very shy, and didn't know how to approach people. Being only thirteen years old (a year younger than everyone in her class), a new kid in the school, and a freshman, she was absolutely terrified, and it didn't help her meet anyone. This led her to hanging around with all the "stoners", and "bad kids" at the school. It was who her sister hung around, and so Ki followed her.
Ki didn't do drugs though, and to tell you the truth, she was terrified of them. However, she did begin pill popping. Mostly Ritalin and Prozac. She thought the pills were beautiful, and they seemed to make her less shy. She also became dependant on NyQuil. These habits alienated the one friend she had made that wasn't part of the stoner crowd, and she began hanging out with the troublemakers constantly.
She became very good friends with one guy in paticular, and started cutting class all the time to be with him. It turned out that he lived right around the corner from her apartment, and she started spending hours after school with him every day. This led to dating him, and by the time summer came she had grown very attached.
One morning, around 11am, she was laying on the couch, and he was laying on top of her (not nude mind you, Ki was only 14 at this point, and they were just kissing). Well, her dad happened to come home from work early this day. Obviously, he did not like walking in to find his fourteen year old daughter with a somewhat scraggly looking, long haired, sixteen year old on top of her. Larry (that was the guy's name, oddly enough, that's also my dad's name) got up, and literally ran out the door, right past my dad, and warned Cheryl and her boyfriend not to go in there. Ki flipped out, grabbed her jacket, and took off.
Ki, Cheryl, Larry, Donnie (Cheryl's boyfriend at the time), and Robert (Larry's best friend) took off to a park, to figure out what to do next. Somehow Ki had got it into herself that she could not go home.
Eventually Larry went home for the night, and the rest of us went walking around town. We decided that we should run away to Oregon (of all places right?). Ki found a Seventh Day Adventist school, and they all went to sleep under the stairs for the night. Well, Robert went off and got Larry, to tell him what our plan was. He came back, looked at Ki, and all he had to say was "Oregon huh?". She knew that she didn't want to leave though, and that he probably wouldn't go with her.
The next morning they all walked down to the high school, and found an abandoned room, with a pile of sheetrock in it, under the bleachers, and sort of set up camp there.
They lived together under the bleachers for about three days, before Ki was found by the cops, out walking around two o'clock AM.
She remembers being so relieved when the cops told her she had to go home, that she started crying. Because as much of a tough kid as she wanted to seem, she really just wanted to go home.
Well, after being back home for about a week, Cheryl's boyfriend got an apartment. Cheryl, Ki, Robert, and Larry all started staying there all the time. After about a week of being there, Ki started drinking a little bit. Only screwdrivers, and occasionally malt liquor. She never told any of them that she hadn't already been a drinker. She still didn't touch any drugs though, except for pills.
For some reason kids seem to think prescription drugs are safer than illegal ones. They're wrong.
One summer afternoon, terrible day too, it was over 100 degrees fahrenheit, Larry and Ki were taking some codeine, some other painkiller, and stupidly chasing it with beer. Well, apparently it was too much this time. Ki still remembers this vividly. She crawled out onto the porch, right outside the apartment door, and Larry crawled after her. He laid on top of her, and kissed her. He told her he didn't feel very well, and that he loved her, and he'd be right back. Being shy, she didn't say she loves him, but she thought it to herself. Well, the next thing she knew, Robert was screaming, and Larry was on the ground, and Robert was performing CPR.
Ki came inside, and started freaking out, barely together herself, because she felt like she was going to pass out at any moment. She managed to dial an ambulance, but couldn't talk when they got onto the line. She remembers passing the telephone to someone, not sure who, and then walked outside to wait for the ambulance. When she got out to the curb she crashed.
The ambulance took her away, the ambulance took Larry away. She was taken to the hospital and forced to drink charcoal. Larry never woke back up.
Ki stayed at the hospital for two weeks, not as a patient, but waiting to see what would happen to Larry.
When you're young you feel immortal. She didn't think he would die. She didn't think he would, but he did.
After that she went crazy for years. You'd think she'd have learned her lesson, but instead of turning herself around, she started using drugs, she started drinking all the time, and she'd run away for days, weeks, on end, never coming home, never coming down from her high. She'd think about Larry everyday, and feel guilty, and wonder why, why when they took the same toxic cocktail he died, and she's still here.
Ki's been sober for about two years now. Before the two years she'd only done any drugs about twice, so it's more like she's been sober for three years. Sure she drinks once in a while, but it's never to excess.
After writing this entry, and feeling an empty pain in her heart, but not the self destructive streak Ki would have felt in the past, she can safely say she's past that point in her life. Maybe now she can begin to form some sense of peace with who she used to be, and who she is now, because really, they are two differant people.
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no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 08:25 pm (UTC)I hope ya eventually feel 99% better about this subject and hope you never go through anything like this again.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:06 am (UTC)hmmm
Date: 2004-04-19 11:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 09:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-18 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 12:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 02:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 03:22 am (UTC)You're certainly a good person and a good addition to the world. The shy ones usually are. ;)
--Jerry
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 06:18 am (UTC)About a week after all that happened, she took some of her dad's heart medication, a bunch of Aleive, some more painkillers, and some of her dad's Wild Turkey. She wrote a note, laid down on the living room floor, and was waiting to just die, or something. Felt terrible, because her father walked in, and asked her to wash the dishes (this sounds almost comical, here she waiting to die, but she has to do chores first, yes she is laughing at this now)
After that she went to her room and got into bed. Woke up about 18 hours later, didn't hurt, but felt groggy. Thought she was dead, and trapped in her apartment (was fourteen years old mind you). Walked out to the kitchen, saw her dad, he didn't say anything, so she thought he couldn't see her. Hehehe. Finally he said something.
no subject
Date: 2004-04-19 05:37 pm (UTC)Anyways, lots o love and hugs to you! I'm glad you're still here. *muah*
no subject
Date: 2004-04-23 12:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-23 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-04-23 03:34 pm (UTC)